TableStakes

January 23, 2021January 23, 2021

Can I practice forgiveness about something truly awful?

This has been a privileged lifetime for me. I’ve only confronted a handful of truly terrible people, and only one who has tried to harm my loved ones or myself. If I’d been a soldier, a police officer, or a violent crime victim, forgiving would be so much harder.

But I did have an experience in Bali where I had to confront someone who was doing very despicable things to young people I love like family. I’m not going into details or naming names in this blog. Many of you may already know the story. It took some time for us to do so, but Felicity and I faced up to the crimes we witnessed, and took action to stop the behavior and to heal our loved ones. It was a very difficult time for all involved. We did some good helping some of the victims, and those who were entangled in the guilt by association and the secrets they were forced to keep. However, we are uncertain whether we successfully changed this man’s behavior or saved future victims. It’s a lingering regret.

The question that I’ve wrestled with for a few years now is whether I should forgive this man for what he did? I’ve circled around the question in several different ways. At the time this was coming down, I tried to explain to the people that I still loved him, but hated the evil actions he did. In other words, “Love the sinner. Hate the sin.” I didn’t find it a particularly compelling at the time because I was angry at the pain he had caused.

It’s taken a few years and the anger has diminished, but I worry that by forgetting what he did to those boys might allow the abuse to continue in the future. However, the more I’ve read about forgiveness and grace and Karma Yoga, the more I’m convinced that forgiveness, not forgetting, is the right course. I’ve been studying the Bhagavad Gita with my teacher Jeffrey Armstrong, and one of the verses goes right to the point:

“Because you have free will, you can control your actions, but you are never in control of the fruit or ultimate outcome of what you do. Therefore, never let attachment to the fruits be the ultimate reason for your actions. Conversely, do not simply retreat into a state of detached inaction.” (Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Verse 47)

So, I think that means take action because it’s the right thing to do, but you can’t be certain if your goal will actually be achieved. Uncertainty can be a reason to avoid action. It was for me. I delayed taking action because I wasn’t sure how to address some key questions: If we took action to stop these abuses, what would happen to the victims, our Balinese loved ones, our own family? Would the abuse stop? What actions could we actually take, especially in a foreign culture?

It took time for me to work up the courage to take action. We worked our way through these questions with the help of thirty years of studying Gandhi’s principles of non-violent action, through the insistence of my mother to love him, and with the help of gifted psychologists from Bali and Mongolia. We worked out a strategy that focused on the following goals and strategies:

Confirm the facts.
Make sure the victims are protected and have access to expert therapy.
Do truth-telling with those in the inner circle to cleanse them from guilt and obtain their assistance to stop the abuse.
Enlist influential Balinese and western leaders to help stop the abuse.
Directly and with love confront the man and seek his willingness to change.

The first three strategies worked out pretty well. Items four and five have had mixed results.

I confess that I have violated the Gita verse above about being attached to the fruits of our strategy. I have been attached…very attached… to the fruits of all of these actions which has led to disappointment that we have not seen definitive results for the last two of our aims.

I’ve also been reading Anne Lamott’s ‘Grace (Eventually)’ in which she quotes a friend: “You do what you can and then get out of the way because you’re not the one who does the work. You’re not in charge of the outcome only the action.” In other words, get yourself and your ego out of the way, and let Bhagawan (God) take charge.

And I will, but to do so I must also forgive because holding on to this anger is too much for me. It’s hurting me and I have to let it go. Not by forgetting, but by forgiving because as the Gita said: “..do not simply retreat into a state of detached inaction.” Be watchful, and take action again if necessary; mindful that: “You do what you can, and then get out of the way.”

Gita Comes Alive

For anyone interested in a new and inspired translation of the Bhagavad Gita, go to GitaComesAlive.com

December 21, 2020December 21, 2020

Forgiveness: What’s in it for me?

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.”

You want to get rid of stress, fear, foreboding, bad dreams and lots of other junk? Then follow Martin Luther King Jr.’s advice and make forgiveness an everyday part of your life. Forgiveness is like pouring clean water into a murky glass. The pure water eventually dilutes the grease and grime of human life, opening the way to Nirvana and Moksa. Here are some actions to consider:

Say a prayer out loud that includes “please forgive me” asking the supreme being to forgive you for the wrongs you know you’ve committed, and those you may not be aware of.

Meditate silently, and forgive those that have hurt you and your loved ones.

Ask for forgiveness from someone that you’ve hurt.

Tell someone who hurt you and your loved ones that you forgive them.

Do a ritual cleanse like the Balinese water purification ceremony (See Washing It Off blog, August 10, 2020)

Write down on a piece of paper what you want to be forgiven for, and throw it into the fire. (See Fire Purification blog, August 11, 2020 ).

Make up your own ritual to give and receive forgiveness.

Decide to forgive yourself, sometimes the hardest act of all.

Toss your “You Hurt Me List”

You don’t realize how much your grievances are harming you until you’ve let them go. Have you ever consciously or unconsciously collected a list of complaints about your spouse, friends, enemies, the government? I have, and just so you know, my list has a great deal of merit. My resentment is clearly just. But you know what? Building and keeping my own “You Hurt Me List” was killing me. It made me more resentful, angry, self-righteous and unhappy.

Twenty-five years ago I decided to burn my “You Hurt Me List.” I made the decision because I needed to focus on helping my son Lucas and our family address his new diabetes diagnosis. The righteous grievances I was nursing were getting in the way of meeting that challenge, and so I just let them go.

I just decided I was done with resentment, and the ugly stuff that gets dragged along with it. I didn’t use prayer, meditation or anything else from the above bullet points. If I had been practicing with these tools, I probably wouldn’t have built up the grievance in the first place. I just decided I was done with grievance. I thought it might be a long, involved process with perhaps therapy, and other counseling. Didn’t happen. I just turned on the tap of forgiveness and let its clean water begin to wash the dark stuff away. One of the best things that ever happened to me. I felt lighter and happier almost immediately. I treated my family and friends better. I started to enjoy life more.

There are very sound religious and philosophical reasons why forgiveness is so important to living souls. In fact, I’ve read a great deal about forgiveness in Judaism, Hindu, Christianity, Buddhism, Vedic teachings, etc. But for me at least, I needed a practical taste of the pure tonic of forgiveness to really understand its power.

What about you?

What has your experience been with forgiving and being forgiven? What forgiveness practices have you developed?

I just have one piece of advice: It really doesn’t matter how you do forgiveness, just do it, and do so every frickin day.

August 10, 2020August 10, 2020

Washing it Off

Water purification ritual at Lampuyang…a rite that Balinese do at least once a day

One of the things I love most about Bali are the water purification rituals.

Every day, Balinese people take part in this rite which involves being sprinkled with holy water, drinking it three times and then washing three times. It’s a simple, but powerful ritual to ward off spiritual and energetic gunk that has stuck to you. This could be from an angry confrontation, some evil spirits grabbing you, a bad dream or some bad thoughts or feelings you may be having about yourself or someone else.

Whatever it is, you can use this ritual to get rid of it…to let it go. We sometimes dismiss such rituals in the west, but they can be effective ways of first acknowledging that detritus is sticking to you and then dealing with it or simply letting it wash away.

The act of letting this junk go is what reminded me of Nirvana. And there is a link to the main point of this blog (Kindness, Compassion and Unconditional Love). Because these practices often require letting go of some useless stuff like anger, expectations, and keeping track of whose right and wrong. It’s impossible to be kind and compassionate if you’re pissed off at someone. In fact, the best marriage advice I ever heard was from a retired general we met in India who said: “Best thing for a good marriage is a sense of humor and a bad memory.”

The Balinese are practical folks. They get that everyday sprinkling of purification may not be enough if you’re experiencing some big problem. Sometimes the whole village needs to get cleansed from some bad stuff going around. All the villagers might load into the truck and vans and head over to a water temple like Tirta Empul to get clean from the bad energy of a neighborly dispute. I once witnessed a woman who had been possessed being taken to a temple by her family to be cleansed. The evil spirit writhed, twisted and fought against getting dunked into the holy water. It was like a scene from the Exorcist. The demon resisted and the lady flailed about until her husband dunked her in and she spit the evil thing out. Took about ten minutes in all, but she exited the water clean and free of what had possessed her.

Which makes me think about our country. Perhaps we all need a ritual cleanse. So haul yourself down to the beach or jump in a pool and wash that evil joojoo coming from DC and Mar A Lago off….at a safe distance of course. But get it off you…scrub well…maybe scream some of the frustration out…and then hit the streets to boot the devil out, so we can scrub the WH clean.

Sorry for the political moment…

Canti,

Pak Dave

Doing a full-body cleanse at Sebatu, Bali

August 5, 2020October 10, 2022

Leaping from the DMV to Nirvana

So the one good thing about standing in line at the DMV is that it gives you time to think. In my last blog, I described how I partially succeeded in letting go of the frustration, annoyance and anger that usually sticks to me when I visit my least favorite bureaucracy.

And thinking about letting go, led me to the idea of Nirvana. I recently listened to a lesson from my friend and teacher Jeffrey Armstrong about Nirvana. Apologies to Jeffrey if I have screwed this up.

I must admit I never really thought that much about Nirvana until I listened to Jeffrey’s lecture. I assumed it was akin to heaven or paradise. And indeed for Buddhists, Nirvana is the goal of the eight -fold path of right practices, and is the gateway for escaping from karma and the cycle of birth and death.

Jeffrey took Nirvana in a different direction. He explained that Nirvana from the Vedic perspective means letting go of everything except who you really are. That means letting go of your attachment to stuff, letting go of your thoughts, letting go of the security of a safe retirement fund, letting go of your plans and ambitions; and importantly letting go of your emotions.

It’s a stretch concept, especially the letting go of your emotions. I don’t know about you, but I really like holding on to feelings and emotions. The good ones like love, and unfortunately some of the bad ones like anger and resentment too.

It’s not that you deny these things. It’s just that you experience them, and then send them on their way. And when you’ve let go of it all, you’ve reached Nirvana, a place of peace, escape from the cycles of human existence, and you can simply be who you really are… more about this later…

…Calling Number K-013. Go to station Number 24…Last call for Number K-013. Go to Station Number 24. The alerts over the DMV loudspeaker, awoke me from these thoughts. There are a lot of different interpretations of Nirvana in Buddhist and Vedic philosophy. What I’ve provided here is pretty bare bones. However, it’s the first definition of Nirvana that really spoke to me.

But please don’t give me an incomplete. The DMV has gotten more efficient, and they called my number before I had finished my thoughts. More on Nirvana and its cousin, purification, in the next blog.

Canti,

Pak Dave

Photo Credits Above: Jamie Street. Below: Lorna

July 30, 2020July 31, 2020

A Difficult Test at the DMV

If you want to test your resolve to be kind, compassionate and love unconditionally; visit the California Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to apply for your Real ID.

DMV trips have always triggered me. It’s the inane, arbitrary procedures that require waiting in numerous lines. The often surly staff. Did I mention the hours long wait. Being informed by an officious staffer that you’re missing a document and you’ll have to return for another visit and wait in line again. Was that a look of glee in her eye when delivering the news?

I confess that I often have responded to such visits with internal seething, teeth gnashing, ranting under my breath and at times biting sarcasm, the latter of course makes things much worse.

Yesterday’s visit was headed in the same direction when I asked a security guard which line I should stand in, and received a curt, insulting answer. My face turned red underneath my mask, but I walked on, where I encountered more DMV staff getting off on their own power trips.

I didn’t rant, but I might have offered a pathetically weak sarcastic rejoinder. However, at least I wasn’t the guy who melted down when told he had stood for two hours in the wrong line.

But I got over it with help from what my Kundalini guru Liya (liyagarber.com) said in class one day: “You can’t control it if people say spiteful things to you, but you can control how you receive it.” You can decide whether to be hurt… or not ..if your partner insults you. And you can decide to get angry.. or not…when the DMV security guard is a jerk.

Of course, this isn’t as easy as it seems. It took me a few minutes to get my head turned around and try not to follow my pattern of getting triggered. So I decided what the hell give it a chance, and just let go of the DMV staff’s bad behavior. And, I must admit, I began to notice a few improvements. I calmed down. Some of the staff were actually quite helpful, competent and nice. The procedures and computer systems seem to have improved too. And it occurred to me maybe I should look at it from their perspective of having to deal with the same questions from stressed customers…all the while wearing a mask and hoping you don’t get infected with COVID.

I’m not sure this qualifies as an epiphany, more of a duh…But I’m marking it down as a step forward in my journey.

And somehow this got me thinking about Nirvana…but that’s the subject of the next blog.