It takes grit to walk 702 miles in the desert from Campo to Kennedy Meadows. There are long climbs up rugged mountains, rattlesnakes, cactus waiting to stab you, scarce water holes, rattlesnakes, blisters…Did I mention rattlesnakes?
But it toughens you up. Most people who complete the desert section, go on to finish the entire 2,650 miles of the PCT. It’s a challenge for anyone. My friend Bounce surmounted all of these obstacles, but he has one hurdle that no one else on the trail must face. Last year he was diagnosed with a debilitating disease that slowly causes his toes and feet to contract, like the hand deformity Viking’s disease. The doctor said over time he would lose the ability to walk. Bounce’s first question: Can I hike the Pacific Crest Trail? “Do it sooner rather than later,” the doctor answered. He talked to his wife and got the go-ahead to hit the trail this year.
Bounce is a quiet guy. He often camps by himself in the desert rather than at designated campsites. I had met him several times on the trail, but we had never really talked much until we both camped one night at Walker Pass. We shared a picnic table, and he told me about his disease, and the pain he endures every day on the trail. He was looking forward to seeing his wife and kids who were coming to meet him at Kennedy Meadows, a three-day walk from there. When he learned that I was one meal short on this stretch, he insisted I take one of his ramen packets.
I asked him why he wanted to walk the PCT. He said it had been a life-long dream, and intimated that it was a way for him to take back control of his body from the disease. He was willing to pay the price for his decision to hike, which was constant pain.
I don’t know who gave him the trail name Bounce, but it’s brilliant. Bounce is short for Bounce Back…from adversity. It’s an important mindset for all PCT hikers because we have lots of obstacles to overcome. Bounce is showing us the way with courage, determination, and a heart bigger than the Sierras.
I was sitting quietly on a logging road after my mid-morning break at Peavine Creek about a two day walk north of Burney Falls. I’m not sure what got my attention because I didn’t hear anything, but I looked up and across the road was a large mountain lion. A very large one about four feet long, plus a two foot tail and massive legs and paws.
He was walking down the dirt road to drink from the creek, and didn’t notice me. I didn’t want to startle the big fella so I moved slightly. That instantly got his attention, and he turned his head to directly stare at me. I met his gaze and we looked at each other for about 15 seconds. (It seemed much longer.) I don’t know what was going through his mind. Perhaps questions such as: Who is this smelly beast that’s at my watering hole? Is this guy a threat or a morning snack?
I entertained similar questions. Am I cat food? Should I take a photo? Am I really seeing this amazing creature? I decided to keep my phone in my pocket, and just stay in the moment and engage with this wild creature. He wasn’t at all worried about me, just curious. He no doubt has seen many humans in his woods, but I assume rarely has met one as unexpectedly as this. His gaze stayed steady and seemed intelligent.
It’s not the first time I’ve encountered a wild animal that is stronger and deadlier than me. I’ve also seen grizzlies and black bears at close range. I wasn’t particularly scared. In fact, I felt grateful for the experience, especially since he was just looking at me rather than hunting. In more than 50 years of backpacking, this is the first time I’ve seen a mountain lion. But you never know what actions a wild animal might take, so after a while (15 seconds to be exact) I decided to take the actions that you are supposed to do when encountering a mountain lion: Make yourself look as big and powerful as possible. So I puffed out my chest, raised my head and prepared to stand up. That was enough. The big cat turned around and silently loped off back down the road and into the forest.
I took a swig of the same Peavine Creek water that the big guy was seeking, and returned to the trail. From the way he loped off, it appeared that the lion didn’t want anything to do with me. Just in case, every few minutes for the next mile, I scanned behind me for signs that I was being stalked. Fortunately, the cat had other plans.
Earth Hippie (Raymond) and Pak Dave at Walker Pass Campground
Walking into the Walker Pass Campground after a long day, I thought the pony-tailed guy wearing tie-dye, smoking weed and talking about catching and eating rattlesnakes was just another of the many characters you meet along the trail.
But he turned out to be anything but. His name is Raymond and of course his trail name is Earth Hippie. Bounce, another hiker, and I were too tired to hold up our end of the conversation, so Earth Hippie talked for all three of us. He knew the region quite well because he’d grown up in Ridgecrest and roamed these dry hills as a kid. He pointed out where the Kern River drainage was located and our route to Kennedy Meadows the next day, talked about the best fishing spots, but his passion is Frisbee Golf. He brought out his discs and tutored us on how to throw each of them for distance and accuracy. He plays every day no matter where he’s located. If there’s not an official course, he creates one from the landscape. He told us the story of when he first tried LSD at 11-years old.
But the conversation turned interesting when he told us his 70’s love story. During high school in Ridgecrest, he and his sweetheart had sworn eternal love to one another. But her parents had no interest in their smart daughter having any kind of relationship with a boy known for being a wild child since birth and who was the town’s leading pot dealer. They went their separate ways. Raymond, Earth Hippie, moved to Colorado where he met another woman and raised seven children. His partner suffered from mental illness, and left him with the kids, and he ended up spending 28 years raising them. When the last one left the nest, Earth Hippie let the universe know that he was ready to find a new partner. This was before Tinder, and so he put the word out through energetic channels, he said, because he has a direct relationship with God and the universe. I rolled my eyes at that.
Six women called him the first week, but none seemed to be a good fit. Finally, via Facebook, he received a message from his old high school sweetheart. She’d just finished up a distinguished career doing super-secret work in the USA and abroad. She still loved Earth Hippie and vice versa. Raymond told her that she had contacted him on the very same date they had fallen in love in high school. She said that couldn’t be true. He proved it by asking her to remember the password for the bank account they had started together in high school which was the date they fell in love. She started crying. Earth Hippie told us that stuff like this has happened to him since birth. They got together and looked for a place to live. They liked Durango, CO…but his sweetie said no because it didn’t have a Frisbee Golf Course, and she knew Earth Hippie would be unhappy without one nearby. They chose another town in Colorado.
We said goodbye to Earth Hippie, set up camp and walked three more days to Kennedy Meadows. I was headed back to Berkeley for Max’s birthday party and some R&R. But getting home was not easy. I spent the night in Ridgecrest and early the next morning was at a bus stop for the 3-hour ride to Bakersfield, followed by a 6 hour train trip. And guess who showed up? Earth Hippie drove up and parked on his way to the Frisbee Golf course across the street from the bus stop. We chatted, and then I checked the bus schedule again because it was late. It turned out I was at the wrong stop, and not only had missed the bus but would miss the train and miss Max’s birthday party. Earth Hippie just said, “Why do you think I’m here, get in the car.” He told me he was told to be at this park today by the Supreme Being, so he showed up not knowing what he was supposed to do but play Frisbee golf. “My hair stands on end when God works through me,” he said. He drove me to Lake Isabella fifty miles away to catch up with the bus. He smoked weed and talked the entire time of course. He said these things happen to him all of the time. He figured out at eight-years old who he was, an eternal soul completely connected to God, the universe and every living thing in it.
When we were approaching Lake Isabella, he said he’d been given another mission to pick up a PCT hiker. Sure enough, when we arrived at the bus station, there was a guy who was ecstatic to get a ride from Raymond, an angel dressed up like a 64-year old hippie.
Thanks to my Aunt Marie and Uncle Bob who shuttled me to Campo
There is something bittersweet about the start of the Pacific Crest Trail. I’m thrilled to see the monument marking the trail’s southern terminous. It’s the beginning of something all PCT hikers having been dreaming about and planning for months.
But just behind the monument looms the tall, ominous steel border wall plunging into valleys and spanning hills for hundreds of miles. I’ve seen it on TV and in photos, but seeing it for real in the early morning light is a bleak reminder of the struggles for survival and the death and despair that take place here in the borderlands. It reminds me of the MadMax films of chaos and conflict. It’s sad. And all day long as I’m hiking, it stays in view.
Top photo: Border Wall near PCT southern terminous. Bottom photo: Statue of Liberty with the inscription: “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free.” Which one better reflects our values?
But I’m also pumped with adrenaline and excited to start the hike. I get lost immediately, and am guided back to the trail by two construction workers who are building roads that parallel the Wall. They are friendly and one shares a story about hiking with his son. It’s the first of many such encounters along the trail where people are friendly and excited to talk to you about hiking and their own experiences.
This is dry, desert country. It’s early in the year, and there’s a seasonal creek flowing about four miles away, and I stop for lunch and fill up my water bottle. Remarkably, the grass is green and wildflowers are starting to bloom. I’m blessed to have started early enough to see the desert’s brief spring.
California Peony
About mile ten, I feel a blister on my right foot. Ouch. I’m learning to navigate with the Guthook App which not only is a trail map, but full of information from hikers ahead of me. It turns out a Trail Angel has left several gallons of water at Hauser Creek which is dry. I decide to set up camp along the dry creek because I’ll have enough water thanks to the angel. Plus it’s getting dark and my feet are sore.
When I first read Gandhi’s autobiography about how he developed his method of non-violence, The Story of My Experiments with Truth, I understood the history, but was confused on how he defined Truth. In fact, the story is about his evolving understanding of Truth as he confronted empires to lead India to independence. Truth means more than correctly stating facts. Indeed Gandhi took the term beyond its conventional meaning of being truthful in thought, speech and action. Ultimately he arrived at the idea of Absolute Truth which he defined as Truth is God.
“Truth is God, and truth overrides all our plans.”
Interestingly, however, Gandhi makes Truth an individual quest. He said, “Truth is what the voice within tells you”. It is a person who is the authority of this knowledge. It is not a cultural tradition, a Holy Book nor any social or state organization to determine the content of Truth. It is an individual in the final analysis, after discussion with others and seriously pondering, to make the decision.
To understand this better I consulted my teacher, Jeffrey Armstrong (Kavindra Rishi). He pointed me to the definition of Dharma to explain what Gandhi was getting at.
Dharma: From the root dhri—the essential nature of anything, which, if you take it away, that thing is no longer itself. For example, the dharma of water is to be liquid. Dharma is the basis of the English ‘truth’. Dharma also means to stand for what is true. Once someone knows their dharma, their duty is to live that truth. (From the Bhagavad Gita Comes Alive: A Radical Translation)
It sounds so easy; all you need to know is your essential nature. How hard could that be? It turns out that, at least for me, this was the 1,000,000 piece puzzle. I tried out a lot of stuff, explored many dead ends, consulted numerous holy books and gurus and dug deeply into my American, Irish, and Christian cultural traditions. Didn’t find it.
What finally helped was finding a teacher who could explain who I really was: an eternal, conscious, individual and joyous being from the transcendental exploring the material world one lifetime after another until I finish my degree by finding and living my Truth. After that awakening, things began to fall into place and after consulting with others, including Bhagavan (Supreme Being), I realized my mission at this point is understand and practice Kindness, Compassion and Unconditional Love. Writing this blog is part of my duty to live this Truth, but the hard part of course is to practice these concepts every second.
This is where Gandhi stepped back into my life. First, he explained that on our journey to find Absolute Truth we can’t always see it fully, and must practice with only a partial glimpse of it through what he calls relative Truth. This has been my journey…seeing only part of the Truth, and sometime getting peeks at the whole thing. He also connects Love and Truth: “Love and truth are two sides of the same coin.”
And finally Gandhi said: “Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected.”
Which brings me to Jesus who said: “Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).
So even if our culture tells us it’s naïve to believe in Truth, there’s lots of evidence in our own lives that we should run after it with all our hearts. As a wise person said: “Listen to the voice within, it will set you free. And that promise is true for all time.”
On Monday March 8 I started a new journey at the Mexican border. I’ll be hiking the Pacific Crest Trail from Mexico to Canada, a journey of 2,650 miles. Up to this point, this blog has chronicled a part of my spiritual journey. Now it will also include a journal of the natural wonders, people, adventures and also spiritual insights along the trail. This quest, like all good adventures, will likely involve overcoming physical, mental and spiritual challenges along the way. I’m psyched!! Some have suggested psycho. Perhaps the most important key to success on a quest is to have angels to support you. My Chief Trail Angel is my beloved partner, Felicity. Thank you for having patience with me and supporting this dream.
I’m very lucky. My mother was all about unconditional love. She gave out bushels of it to me, my sibs, her grandkids, and many, many others. I don’t know its dictionary definition, but when my mother said she loved you she meant she saw you for who you are, and threw her arms around you and loved you no matter what.
Receiving this kind of love is such a gift. It gives you buoyant confidence in being who you are. It gives you a safe haven from the material world. It makes you feel you peaceful and balanced. It was shanti which means not only peace, but inner balance.
She went to a Christian church from which she distilled a simple philosophy: God is Love. Here’s a quote that expresses her view: “We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. John 3:16
This idea is also at the core of Vedic philosophy. In this case the supreme being (Bhagavan) is loving and all pervasive and dwells in everyone and every thing.
Sadly, I have not always been my mother’s best student. I admit to sometimes giving out puny love, not the bountiful no holds bar kind. Apologies. But I know how I’m supposed to love thanks to Mom, Jesus and the Vedas.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Every blog needs an adorable cat photo, especially if her name is Gracie
You can’t earn it. You can’t buy it. You can only receive it with gratitude. What I’m talking about is Grace. It’s given to you freely, abundantly and lovingly by Bhagavan (God). It’s yours to cherish while you live in the material world. It helps free you from the cycle of karma, and it remains with you when you return to transcendental existence.[1]
So what is Grace? All religions embrace it, and I will summarize their views in a moment. But I first want to share my initial experience of Grace. I was 20 years-old standing on the Berkeley shoreline at sunset, and for the first time I experienced being part of God and the entirety of existence for that moment and in all time. This was not an abstract experience, and I was not taking psychedelics or any other drug. It was a very powerful feeling of personally belonging in a loving universe in which God, the natural world, other humans, other animals including me were playing. I realized this way of being was what I had been looking for a very long time, over many human lifetimes. I understand now this experience is Grace. It’s warm and cozy and loving and it explains who you are, and what you are part of.
And then I forgot. I didn’t forget immediately and not entirely, but that experience gradually receded from my day-to-day life. It took a very long time to recover Grace, and to understand the treasure that I had been given. During that more than 40-year long journey I now understand that I was searching to find Grace even though I didn’t know that was what I was looking for it, and therefore I took a very long and winding road to rediscover it.
Grace thrives in Bali.
I began the search by studying Christianity, but that didn’t feel like my path. I looked into other religions as well, but they weren’t my way either. The quest took me to an ashram in Bali where I learned Vedic mantras, and saying those prayers over many decades really did help. It also helped to study Gandhi. My growing love with Felicity pushed me further on the rediscovery process, and when I looked into my newborn sons eyes I began to understand as well. I learned from friends, family, colleagues and even strangers. I learned it from doing service for others. But what really revved up my journey was finding a teacher, Jeffrey Armstrong, who finally explained what those mantras I had been reciting for so many years really meant. He gave me the vocabulary and context to understand my experience that day 46 years ago on the Berkeley shoreline: We are divine beings living in a world that is loving, cozy and fully connected in place and time.
Understanding the philosophy of the Vedas was huge step forward, but to actually return to living the Grace I had once found, I needed another teacher. I found him in Coimbotore, India. His name is Baba and he showed me how to taste Bhagavan (God) again, and once I found that taste I’ve never forgotten it. Once you know the taste of chocolate, you don’t forget it, right?
Oh, from time-to-time, I do forget, but thanks to Jeffrey and Baba, I have the philosophical and tantric tools to get back in the groove, and stay in Grace…for which I am eternally grateful.
Here’s how three religions describe Grace
“Therefore, O Arjuna, wholeheartedly take shelter in the divine refuge of My Being, receive the loving gift of blissful existence, and soon you will attain to My immortal realm.”
Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 18 Verse 62
In Vedic philosophy, of which I am a very imperfect student, Grace, the eternal and unconditional loving gift of blissful experience, is yours simply by embracing Bhagavan (God). Christianity has a very similar view that Grace is the love given to us by God because God wants us to have it, not necessarily because of anything we have done to earn it.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
Ephesians, Chapter 2 Verses 8-9
And Grace is a key element of Islam:
“God is the Possessor of Infinite Grace” and “He bestows this grace upon whomsoever He wills (or desires).
Quran, Chapter 62 Verse 4 and Chapter 57 Verse 29
Is it really this simple?
How can there be Grace in a world of suffering, pain and death?
What if I don’t deserve Grace?
How can I get some of that Grace?
Some context may help.
[1] According to the Vedas, (the ancient library of knowledge from which Hindu and other religions derive) who we are really is an atma or soul who is an eternal, conscious, and joyous individual being. We decided to visit the material world (earth, et al) to gain experience. While here, we cycle through various lives and deaths as humans and other animals. This is known as reincarnation. In other words we are eternal, conscious and divine atmas (souls) who go through many lives and deaths. Think of Bill Murray in the film, Groundhog Day. While in the material world, we are subject to the laws of karma which are the actions and reactions caused by the exercise of our free will. When we are finished with what we have come to learn and experience here in the material world, and are free of karma, then we, as atmas, return to the transcendental world from which we came. Note: Credit to my teacher Jeffrey Armstrong for this information. Any screw-ups are mine alone.
And if you really want to go deep:
For anyone interested in a new and inspired translation of the Bhagavad Gita, go to GitaComesAlive.com
This has been a privileged lifetime for me. I’ve only confronted a handful of truly terrible people, and only one who has tried to harm my loved ones or myself. If I’d been a soldier, a police officer, or a violent crime victim, forgiving would be so much harder.
But I did have an experience in Bali where I had to confront someone who was doing very despicable things to young people I love like family. I’m not going into details or naming names in this blog. Many of you may already know the story. It took some time for us to do so, but Felicity and I faced up to the crimes we witnessed, and took action to stop the behavior and to heal our loved ones. It was a very difficult time for all involved. We did some good helping some of the victims, and those who were entangled in the guilt by association and the secrets they were forced to keep. However, we are uncertain whether we successfully changed this man’s behavior or saved future victims. It’s a lingering regret.
The question that I’ve wrestled with for a few years now is whether I should forgive this man for what he did? I’ve circled around the question in several different ways. At the time this was coming down, I tried to explain to the people that I still loved him, but hated the evil actions he did. In other words, “Love the sinner. Hate the sin.” I didn’t find it a particularly compelling at the time because I was angry at the pain he had caused.
It’s taken a few years and the anger has diminished, but I worry that by forgetting what he did to those boys might allow the abuse to continue in the future. However, the more I’ve read about forgiveness and grace and Karma Yoga, the more I’m convinced that forgiveness, not forgetting, is the right course. I’ve been studying the Bhagavad Gita with my teacher Jeffrey Armstrong, and one of the verses goes right to the point:
“Because you have free will, you can control your actions, but you are never in control of the fruit or ultimate outcome of what you do. Therefore, never let attachment to the fruits be the ultimate reason for your actions. Conversely, do not simply retreat into a state of detached inaction.” (Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Verse 47)
So, I think that means take action because it’s the right thing to do, but you can’t be certain if your goal will actually be achieved. Uncertainty can be a reason to avoid action. It was for me. I delayed taking action because I wasn’t sure how to address some key questions: If we took action to stop these abuses, what would happen to the victims, our Balinese loved ones, our own family? Would the abuse stop? What actions could we actually take, especially in a foreign culture?
It took time for me to work up the courage to take action. We worked our way through these questions with the help of thirty years of studying Gandhi’s principles of non-violent action, through the insistence of my mother to love him, and with the help of gifted psychologists from Bali and Mongolia. We worked out a strategy that focused on the following goals and strategies:
Confirm the facts.
Make sure the victims are protected and have access to expert therapy.
Do truth-telling with those in the inner circle to cleanse them from guilt and obtain their assistance to stop the abuse.
Enlist influential Balinese and western leaders to help stop the abuse.
Directly and with love confront the man and seek his willingness to change.
The first three strategies worked out pretty well. Items four and five have had mixed results.
I confess that I have violated the Gita verse above about being attached to the fruits of our strategy. I have been attached…very attached… to the fruits of all of these actions which has led to disappointment that we have not seen definitive results for the last two of our aims.
I’ve also been reading Anne Lamott’s ‘Grace (Eventually)’ in which she quotes a friend: “You do what you can and then get out of the way because you’re not the one who does the work. You’re not in charge of the outcome only the action.” In other words, get yourself and your ego out of the way, and let Bhagawan (God) take charge.
And I will, but to do so I must also forgive because holding on to this anger is too much for me. It’s hurting me and I have to let it go. Not by forgetting, but by forgiving because as the Gita said: “..do not simply retreat into a state of detached inaction.” Be watchful, and take action again if necessary; mindful that: “You do what you can, and then get out of the way.”
Gita Comes Alive
For anyone interested in a new and inspired translation of the Bhagavad Gita, go to GitaComesAlive.com
Perhaps the two most difficult things for me to say are: “Please forgive me” and its twin, “I forgive you.”
But for my soul to be at peace; to achieve the goal of being kind, compassionate and loving unconditionally, these are words I must utter every day.
According to Buddhist teachings, we should strive to live in such a way that we never harm others or are impacted by those who harmed us. But that’s a tall order in the world we live in. Intentionally or unintentionally, our actions can hurt other people, other animals or the planet. If we are carnivores, our appetites require killing cows, chickens, pigs and fish. Even vegetarians have an impact. For example, converting what were once wild prairie lands into corn and soy bean field destroys wildlife habitat. Water diverted from the wild rivers to San Francisco for drinking and showering has drowned beautiful venues such as the Hetch Hetchy valley, and severely harmed aquatic habitat in the bay and delta.
And shall we count the ways we harm each other? Have you ever snarled at a Customer Support person on the phone, barked at your partner while “hangry?” Or can you recall when you’ve been the victim of slights, insults, robberies, frauds, scams, assaults, cheating spouses, liars, disloyal friends, unappreciative children…you name it?
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting triggered by writing all this junk down. As I sketched out the list above, I found myself digging out memories which in turn brought forth emotions of resentment, annoyance, pain, fear…. and away we go.
Forgiveness is a way of getting rid of the junk, and make no mistake….IT IS JUNK… that clouds our minds, scars our relationships and fucks up our karma.
But we don’t have to hold onto it. We can forgive and be forgiven. Forgiveness is a way of discarding the baggage so that we can move on to something far more soul satisfying: Giving and receiving kindness, compassion and unconditional love.
It’s no surprise that sages, avatars, religions and philosophies all champion forgiveness. It’s one of the most powerful rituals ever performed to bring peace to ourselves and to the universe.
In Judaism, if a person causes harm, but then sincerely and honestly apologizes to the wronged individual and tries to rectify the wrong, the wronged individual is encouraged, but not required, to grant forgiveness.
“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.”
Oprah Winfrey
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus repeatedly spoke of forgiveness:
“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.”
Matthew 5:7
“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.”
Luke 6:27-29
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
“O people, seek repentance from Allah. Verily, I seek repentance from Him a hundred times a day.”
Prophet Mohammed
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”
Confucius
“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”
Rita Mae Brown
Coming Up On Table Stakes:
Simple daily forgiveness rituals
How can I practice forgiveness about something truly awful?
