Editor’s Note: This blog contains video that is creepy and will scare the hell out of you. Proceed with caution.
There are lots of city people on the PCT who don’t have much experience with the wilderness and the creatures that live there. One woman I met was a successful businesswoman from Washington, DC, mainly doing translations for the government. She had a thriving company, but was burnt out. So she fired herself and took a sabbatical, including hiking the Pacific Crest Trail this year.
In early April, she camped in a dry canyon just north of Scissors Crossing (San Diego County). It turns out I was camped only a mile or so away, but experienced a quiet night beneath the stars, not the horror story my friend lived that evening.
Pak Dave’s messy cowboy camp in eastern San Diego County.
Around 8 PM (bedtime for most PCT hikers), she heard what she described as a combination of a witch’s scream and a baby crying. The sound was terrifying. She had some cell service and did some research, figuring out it was probably a mountain lion. There’s lore that this howl is a way for the cougar to lure good samaritans to rescue what they think is a suffering child, only to be eaten. Others have suggested it’s simply a mating call. Bottomline: It created soul-shattering fright for her.
Female cougar screaming like a banshee mixed with baby cries. Yikes!
But did this city girl go crazy with fear? Not for a second. Her solution: Switch on the Thelma & Louise video she had downloaded, and channel their female courage. After watching these gals kick butt for an hour, my friend settled down to a good night’s sleep with no nightmares. And most importantly it gave her a riveting trail story for future hiker gatherings. I heard it at Mike’s Place.
Earth Hippie (Raymond) and Pak Dave at Walker Pass Campground
Walking into the Walker Pass Campground after a long day, I thought the pony-tailed guy wearing tie-dye, smoking weed and talking about catching and eating rattlesnakes was just another of the many characters you meet along the trail.
But he turned out to be anything but. His name is Raymond and of course his trail name is Earth Hippie. Bounce, another hiker, and I were too tired to hold up our end of the conversation, so Earth Hippie talked for all three of us. He knew the region quite well because he’d grown up in Ridgecrest and roamed these dry hills as a kid. He pointed out where the Kern River drainage was located and our route to Kennedy Meadows the next day, talked about the best fishing spots, but his passion is Frisbee Golf. He brought out his discs and tutored us on how to throw each of them for distance and accuracy. He plays every day no matter where he’s located. If there’s not an official course, he creates one from the landscape. He told us the story of when he first tried LSD at 11-years old.
But the conversation turned interesting when he told us his 70’s love story. During high school in Ridgecrest, he and his sweetheart had sworn eternal love to one another. But her parents had no interest in their smart daughter having any kind of relationship with a boy known for being a wild child since birth and who was the town’s leading pot dealer. They went their separate ways. Raymond, Earth Hippie, moved to Colorado where he met another woman and raised seven children. His partner suffered from mental illness, and left him with the kids, and he ended up spending 28 years raising them. When the last one left the nest, Earth Hippie let the universe know that he was ready to find a new partner. This was before Tinder, and so he put the word out through energetic channels, he said, because he has a direct relationship with God and the universe. I rolled my eyes at that.
Six women called him the first week, but none seemed to be a good fit. Finally, via Facebook, he received a message from his old high school sweetheart. She’d just finished up a distinguished career doing super-secret work in the USA and abroad. She still loved Earth Hippie and vice versa. Raymond told her that she had contacted him on the very same date they had fallen in love in high school. She said that couldn’t be true. He proved it by asking her to remember the password for the bank account they had started together in high school which was the date they fell in love. She started crying. Earth Hippie told us that stuff like this has happened to him since birth. They got together and looked for a place to live. They liked Durango, CO…but his sweetie said no because it didn’t have a Frisbee Golf Course, and she knew Earth Hippie would be unhappy without one nearby. They chose another town in Colorado.
We said goodbye to Earth Hippie, set up camp and walked three more days to Kennedy Meadows. I was headed back to Berkeley for Max’s birthday party and some R&R. But getting home was not easy. I spent the night in Ridgecrest and early the next morning was at a bus stop for the 3-hour ride to Bakersfield, followed by a 6 hour train trip. And guess who showed up? Earth Hippie drove up and parked on his way to the Frisbee Golf course across the street from the bus stop. We chatted, and then I checked the bus schedule again because it was late. It turned out I was at the wrong stop, and not only had missed the bus but would miss the train and miss Max’s birthday party. Earth Hippie just said, “Why do you think I’m here, get in the car.” He told me he was told to be at this park today by the Supreme Being, so he showed up not knowing what he was supposed to do but play Frisbee golf. “My hair stands on end when God works through me,” he said. He drove me to Lake Isabella fifty miles away to catch up with the bus. He smoked weed and talked the entire time of course. He said these things happen to him all of the time. He figured out at eight-years old who he was, an eternal soul completely connected to God, the universe and every living thing in it.
When we were approaching Lake Isabella, he said he’d been given another mission to pick up a PCT hiker. Sure enough, when we arrived at the bus station, there was a guy who was ecstatic to get a ride from Raymond, an angel dressed up like a 64-year old hippie.
The best piece of trail advice I’ve received was from my friend Biggi who I met just south of San Jacinto Mountain. She lives in British Columbia. Last year she hiked every part of the PCT except for the southern section, including solo trekking up several Sierra passes. In other words, Biggi is a bad ass.
As a rookie to the PCT, I was looking for some pro tips, so I asked Biggi what was the most important recommendation she had for a successful PCT trek. Her answer surprised me. It wasn’t about gear, or fitness or technique. It was this: Be willing to be vulnerable. Be open to the unexpected. Say Yes when people invite you to their homes or to do something. She went on to describe many of her best adventures on the trail. For example, she met Kathy on the trail near Fish Lake in Oregon who invited her to call if she needed anything. When Biggi hit deep snow around Crater Lake, she called Kathy who picked her up. and invited her to stay at her house. Biggi said, “Yes.” Kathy is now one of her best friends, and they talk weekly.
In the southern California desert, Biggi hiked much faster than me….because she’s a bad ass…. and I’m just not. We kept in touch via text and she gave me the names of the many Trail Angels she stayed with. I was reluctant to do so at first, wanting to have a little privacy during rest days at a motel rather than engaging with a stranger. But gradually I opened up. I began to say yes to people. When I needed help, I began to ask for it. And the many Trail Angels I met have really been a great part of the adventure so far.
So be careful if you ask me to dinner or to stay over or to travel to Africa with you because you know what my answer will be.
Thanks to my Aunt Marie and Uncle Bob who shuttled me to Campo
There is something bittersweet about the start of the Pacific Crest Trail. I’m thrilled to see the monument marking the trail’s southern terminous. It’s the beginning of something all PCT hikers having been dreaming about and planning for months.
But just behind the monument looms the tall, ominous steel border wall plunging into valleys and spanning hills for hundreds of miles. I’ve seen it on TV and in photos, but seeing it for real in the early morning light is a bleak reminder of the struggles for survival and the death and despair that take place here in the borderlands. It reminds me of the MadMax films of chaos and conflict. It’s sad. And all day long as I’m hiking, it stays in view.
Top photo: Border Wall near PCT southern terminous. Bottom photo: Statue of Liberty with the inscription: “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free.” Which one better reflects our values?
But I’m also pumped with adrenaline and excited to start the hike. I get lost immediately, and am guided back to the trail by two construction workers who are building roads that parallel the Wall. They are friendly and one shares a story about hiking with his son. It’s the first of many such encounters along the trail where people are friendly and excited to talk to you about hiking and their own experiences.
This is dry, desert country. It’s early in the year, and there’s a seasonal creek flowing about four miles away, and I stop for lunch and fill up my water bottle. Remarkably, the grass is green and wildflowers are starting to bloom. I’m blessed to have started early enough to see the desert’s brief spring.
California Peony
About mile ten, I feel a blister on my right foot. Ouch. I’m learning to navigate with the Guthook App which not only is a trail map, but full of information from hikers ahead of me. It turns out a Trail Angel has left several gallons of water at Hauser Creek which is dry. I decide to set up camp along the dry creek because I’ll have enough water thanks to the angel. Plus it’s getting dark and my feet are sore.
When I first read Gandhi’s autobiography about how he developed his method of non-violence, The Story of My Experiments with Truth, I understood the history, but was confused on how he defined Truth. In fact, the story is about his evolving understanding of Truth as he confronted empires to lead India to independence. Truth means more than correctly stating facts. Indeed Gandhi took the term beyond its conventional meaning of being truthful in thought, speech and action. Ultimately he arrived at the idea of Absolute Truth which he defined as Truth is God.
“Truth is God, and truth overrides all our plans.”
Interestingly, however, Gandhi makes Truth an individual quest. He said, “Truth is what the voice within tells you”. It is a person who is the authority of this knowledge. It is not a cultural tradition, a Holy Book nor any social or state organization to determine the content of Truth. It is an individual in the final analysis, after discussion with others and seriously pondering, to make the decision.
To understand this better I consulted my teacher, Jeffrey Armstrong (Kavindra Rishi). He pointed me to the definition of Dharma to explain what Gandhi was getting at.
Dharma: From the root dhri—the essential nature of anything, which, if you take it away, that thing is no longer itself. For example, the dharma of water is to be liquid. Dharma is the basis of the English ‘truth’. Dharma also means to stand for what is true. Once someone knows their dharma, their duty is to live that truth. (From the Bhagavad Gita Comes Alive: A Radical Translation)
It sounds so easy; all you need to know is your essential nature. How hard could that be? It turns out that, at least for me, this was the 1,000,000 piece puzzle. I tried out a lot of stuff, explored many dead ends, consulted numerous holy books and gurus and dug deeply into my American, Irish, and Christian cultural traditions. Didn’t find it.
What finally helped was finding a teacher who could explain who I really was: an eternal, conscious, individual and joyous being from the transcendental exploring the material world one lifetime after another until I finish my degree by finding and living my Truth. After that awakening, things began to fall into place and after consulting with others, including Bhagavan (Supreme Being), I realized my mission at this point is understand and practice Kindness, Compassion and Unconditional Love. Writing this blog is part of my duty to live this Truth, but the hard part of course is to practice these concepts every second.
This is where Gandhi stepped back into my life. First, he explained that on our journey to find Absolute Truth we can’t always see it fully, and must practice with only a partial glimpse of it through what he calls relative Truth. This has been my journey…seeing only part of the Truth, and sometime getting peeks at the whole thing. He also connects Love and Truth: “Love and truth are two sides of the same coin.”
And finally Gandhi said: “Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected.”
Which brings me to Jesus who said: “Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).
So even if our culture tells us it’s naïve to believe in Truth, there’s lots of evidence in our own lives that we should run after it with all our hearts. As a wise person said: “Listen to the voice within, it will set you free. And that promise is true for all time.”
On Monday March 8 I started a new journey at the Mexican border. I’ll be hiking the Pacific Crest Trail from Mexico to Canada, a journey of 2,650 miles. Up to this point, this blog has chronicled a part of my spiritual journey. Now it will also include a journal of the natural wonders, people, adventures and also spiritual insights along the trail. This quest, like all good adventures, will likely involve overcoming physical, mental and spiritual challenges along the way. I’m psyched!! Some have suggested psycho. Perhaps the most important key to success on a quest is to have angels to support you. My Chief Trail Angel is my beloved partner, Felicity. Thank you for having patience with me and supporting this dream.
I’m very lucky. My mother was all about unconditional love. She gave out bushels of it to me, my sibs, her grandkids, and many, many others. I don’t know its dictionary definition, but when my mother said she loved you she meant she saw you for who you are, and threw her arms around you and loved you no matter what.
Receiving this kind of love is such a gift. It gives you buoyant confidence in being who you are. It gives you a safe haven from the material world. It makes you feel you peaceful and balanced. It was shanti which means not only peace, but inner balance.
She went to a Christian church from which she distilled a simple philosophy: God is Love. Here’s a quote that expresses her view: “We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. John 3:16
This idea is also at the core of Vedic philosophy. In this case the supreme being (Bhagavan) is loving and all pervasive and dwells in everyone and every thing.
Sadly, I have not always been my mother’s best student. I admit to sometimes giving out puny love, not the bountiful no holds bar kind. Apologies. But I know how I’m supposed to love thanks to Mom, Jesus and the Vedas.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Every blog needs an adorable cat photo, especially if her name is Gracie
You can’t earn it. You can’t buy it. You can only receive it with gratitude. What I’m talking about is Grace. It’s given to you freely, abundantly and lovingly by Bhagavan (God). It’s yours to cherish while you live in the material world. It helps free you from the cycle of karma, and it remains with you when you return to transcendental existence.[1]
So what is Grace? All religions embrace it, and I will summarize their views in a moment. But I first want to share my initial experience of Grace. I was 20 years-old standing on the Berkeley shoreline at sunset, and for the first time I experienced being part of God and the entirety of existence for that moment and in all time. This was not an abstract experience, and I was not taking psychedelics or any other drug. It was a very powerful feeling of personally belonging in a loving universe in which God, the natural world, other humans, other animals including me were playing. I realized this way of being was what I had been looking for a very long time, over many human lifetimes. I understand now this experience is Grace. It’s warm and cozy and loving and it explains who you are, and what you are part of.
And then I forgot. I didn’t forget immediately and not entirely, but that experience gradually receded from my day-to-day life. It took a very long time to recover Grace, and to understand the treasure that I had been given. During that more than 40-year long journey I now understand that I was searching to find Grace even though I didn’t know that was what I was looking for it, and therefore I took a very long and winding road to rediscover it.
Grace thrives in Bali.
I began the search by studying Christianity, but that didn’t feel like my path. I looked into other religions as well, but they weren’t my way either. The quest took me to an ashram in Bali where I learned Vedic mantras, and saying those prayers over many decades really did help. It also helped to study Gandhi. My growing love with Felicity pushed me further on the rediscovery process, and when I looked into my newborn sons eyes I began to understand as well. I learned from friends, family, colleagues and even strangers. I learned it from doing service for others. But what really revved up my journey was finding a teacher, Jeffrey Armstrong, who finally explained what those mantras I had been reciting for so many years really meant. He gave me the vocabulary and context to understand my experience that day 46 years ago on the Berkeley shoreline: We are divine beings living in a world that is loving, cozy and fully connected in place and time.
Understanding the philosophy of the Vedas was huge step forward, but to actually return to living the Grace I had once found, I needed another teacher. I found him in Coimbotore, India. His name is Baba and he showed me how to taste Bhagavan (God) again, and once I found that taste I’ve never forgotten it. Once you know the taste of chocolate, you don’t forget it, right?
Oh, from time-to-time, I do forget, but thanks to Jeffrey and Baba, I have the philosophical and tantric tools to get back in the groove, and stay in Grace…for which I am eternally grateful.
Here’s how three religions describe Grace
“Therefore, O Arjuna, wholeheartedly take shelter in the divine refuge of My Being, receive the loving gift of blissful existence, and soon you will attain to My immortal realm.”
Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 18 Verse 62
In Vedic philosophy, of which I am a very imperfect student, Grace, the eternal and unconditional loving gift of blissful experience, is yours simply by embracing Bhagavan (God). Christianity has a very similar view that Grace is the love given to us by God because God wants us to have it, not necessarily because of anything we have done to earn it.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
Ephesians, Chapter 2 Verses 8-9
And Grace is a key element of Islam:
“God is the Possessor of Infinite Grace” and “He bestows this grace upon whomsoever He wills (or desires).
Quran, Chapter 62 Verse 4 and Chapter 57 Verse 29
Is it really this simple?
How can there be Grace in a world of suffering, pain and death?
What if I don’t deserve Grace?
How can I get some of that Grace?
Some context may help.
[1] According to the Vedas, (the ancient library of knowledge from which Hindu and other religions derive) who we are really is an atma or soul who is an eternal, conscious, and joyous individual being. We decided to visit the material world (earth, et al) to gain experience. While here, we cycle through various lives and deaths as humans and other animals. This is known as reincarnation. In other words we are eternal, conscious and divine atmas (souls) who go through many lives and deaths. Think of Bill Murray in the film, Groundhog Day. While in the material world, we are subject to the laws of karma which are the actions and reactions caused by the exercise of our free will. When we are finished with what we have come to learn and experience here in the material world, and are free of karma, then we, as atmas, return to the transcendental world from which we came. Note: Credit to my teacher Jeffrey Armstrong for this information. Any screw-ups are mine alone.
And if you really want to go deep:
For anyone interested in a new and inspired translation of the Bhagavad Gita, go to GitaComesAlive.com
This has been a privileged lifetime for me. I’ve only confronted a handful of truly terrible people, and only one who has tried to harm my loved ones or myself. If I’d been a soldier, a police officer, or a violent crime victim, forgiving would be so much harder.
But I did have an experience in Bali where I had to confront someone who was doing very despicable things to young people I love like family. I’m not going into details or naming names in this blog. Many of you may already know the story. It took some time for us to do so, but Felicity and I faced up to the crimes we witnessed, and took action to stop the behavior and to heal our loved ones. It was a very difficult time for all involved. We did some good helping some of the victims, and those who were entangled in the guilt by association and the secrets they were forced to keep. However, we are uncertain whether we successfully changed this man’s behavior or saved future victims. It’s a lingering regret.
The question that I’ve wrestled with for a few years now is whether I should forgive this man for what he did? I’ve circled around the question in several different ways. At the time this was coming down, I tried to explain to the people that I still loved him, but hated the evil actions he did. In other words, “Love the sinner. Hate the sin.” I didn’t find it a particularly compelling at the time because I was angry at the pain he had caused.
It’s taken a few years and the anger has diminished, but I worry that by forgetting what he did to those boys might allow the abuse to continue in the future. However, the more I’ve read about forgiveness and grace and Karma Yoga, the more I’m convinced that forgiveness, not forgetting, is the right course. I’ve been studying the Bhagavad Gita with my teacher Jeffrey Armstrong, and one of the verses goes right to the point:
“Because you have free will, you can control your actions, but you are never in control of the fruit or ultimate outcome of what you do. Therefore, never let attachment to the fruits be the ultimate reason for your actions. Conversely, do not simply retreat into a state of detached inaction.” (Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Verse 47)
So, I think that means take action because it’s the right thing to do, but you can’t be certain if your goal will actually be achieved. Uncertainty can be a reason to avoid action. It was for me. I delayed taking action because I wasn’t sure how to address some key questions: If we took action to stop these abuses, what would happen to the victims, our Balinese loved ones, our own family? Would the abuse stop? What actions could we actually take, especially in a foreign culture?
It took time for me to work up the courage to take action. We worked our way through these questions with the help of thirty years of studying Gandhi’s principles of non-violent action, through the insistence of my mother to love him, and with the help of gifted psychologists from Bali and Mongolia. We worked out a strategy that focused on the following goals and strategies:
Confirm the facts.
Make sure the victims are protected and have access to expert therapy.
Do truth-telling with those in the inner circle to cleanse them from guilt and obtain their assistance to stop the abuse.
Enlist influential Balinese and western leaders to help stop the abuse.
Directly and with love confront the man and seek his willingness to change.
The first three strategies worked out pretty well. Items four and five have had mixed results.
I confess that I have violated the Gita verse above about being attached to the fruits of our strategy. I have been attached…very attached… to the fruits of all of these actions which has led to disappointment that we have not seen definitive results for the last two of our aims.
I’ve also been reading Anne Lamott’s ‘Grace (Eventually)’ in which she quotes a friend: “You do what you can and then get out of the way because you’re not the one who does the work. You’re not in charge of the outcome only the action.” In other words, get yourself and your ego out of the way, and let Bhagawan (God) take charge.
And I will, but to do so I must also forgive because holding on to this anger is too much for me. It’s hurting me and I have to let it go. Not by forgetting, but by forgiving because as the Gita said: “..do not simply retreat into a state of detached inaction.” Be watchful, and take action again if necessary; mindful that: “You do what you can, and then get out of the way.”
Gita Comes Alive
For anyone interested in a new and inspired translation of the Bhagavad Gita, go to GitaComesAlive.com
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.”
You want to get rid of stress, fear, foreboding, bad dreams and lots of other junk? Then follow Martin Luther King Jr.’s advice and make forgiveness an everyday part of your life. Forgiveness is like pouring clean water into a murky glass. The pure water eventually dilutes the grease and grime of human life, opening the way to Nirvana and Moksa. Here are some actions to consider:
Say a prayer out loud that includes “please forgive me” asking the supreme being to forgive you for the wrongs you know you’ve committed, and those you may not be aware of.
Meditate silently, and forgive those that have hurt you and your loved ones.
Ask for forgiveness from someone that you’ve hurt.
Tell someone who hurt you and your loved ones that you forgive them.
Do a ritual cleanse like the Balinese water purification ceremony (See Washing It Off blog, August 10, 2020)
Write down on a piece of paper what you want to be forgiven for, and throw it into the fire. (See Fire Purification blog, August 11, 2020 ).
Make up your own ritual to give and receive forgiveness.
Decide to forgive yourself, sometimes the hardest act of all.
Toss your “You Hurt Me List”
You don’t realize how much your grievances are harming you until you’ve let them go. Have you ever consciously or unconsciously collected a list of complaints about your spouse, friends, enemies, the government? I have, and just so you know, my list has a great deal of merit. My resentment is clearly just. But you know what? Building and keeping my own “You Hurt Me List” was killing me. It made me more resentful, angry, self-righteous and unhappy.
Twenty-five years ago I decided to burn my “You Hurt Me List.” I made the decision because I needed to focus on helping my son Lucas and our family address his new diabetes diagnosis. The righteous grievances I was nursing were getting in the way of meeting that challenge, and so I just let them go.
I just decided I was done with resentment, and the ugly stuff that gets dragged along with it. I didn’t use prayer, meditation or anything else from the above bullet points. If I had been practicing with these tools, I probably wouldn’t have built up the grievance in the first place. I just decided I was done with grievance. I thought it might be a long, involved process with perhaps therapy, and other counseling. Didn’t happen. I just turned on the tap of forgiveness and let its clean water begin to wash the dark stuff away. One of the best things that ever happened to me. I felt lighter and happier almost immediately. I treated my family and friends better. I started to enjoy life more.
There are very sound religious and philosophical reasons why forgiveness is so important to living souls. In fact, I’ve read a great deal about forgiveness in Judaism, Hindu, Christianity, Buddhism, Vedic teachings, etc. But for me at least, I needed a practical taste of the pure tonic of forgiveness to really understand its power.
What about you?
What has your experience been with forgiving and being forgiven? What forgiveness practices have you developed?
I just have one piece of advice: It really doesn’t matter how you do forgiveness, just do it, and do so every frickin day.
